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I’ve been mulling this over in my head for weeks, wanting to post, and yet, being unsure of what to really say. Well, ok, more how to put everything down in writing.
One of the many things I’ve learned about infertility is that the pain seems to always be there. Even after seeing part of God’s perfect plan unfold – and seeing exactly why He planned things the way He did – that pain, and especially the memories of infertility are still there.
Looking back, I wouldn’t change the way God had things planned. Not a bit. Through that first year, when we tried Clomid, and I was so desperate to conceive. . .to the anguish of backing out of a potential adoption match a couple years later. . .to adopting a beautiful son. . .watching him grow, and then hearing him pray every night, “Dear Jesus, baby please.”
I love how God used infertility in my life to bring me to Himself. I believe that if we had conceived as easily as I wanted, then I never would have admitted that I was lost, dying, and headed straight for Hell. I am SO thankful that God was merciful enough to bring us through infertility so that I could see that!
And yet. . .there are times when I’m amazed at how having a history of infertility can change your view of things. I’m six months pregnant, and yet I still have the hardest time comprehending that that really is true. I’m in constant amazement. I thought that we would never conceive, and had resigned myself to that, even knowing our God of miracles. Because of that, it seems to make each moment now surreal.
On the other hand, it surprises me when the old emotions surface. A few days ago, one of Stephen’s friends called to tell him that he and his wife were expecting their first baby. They just got married a few months ago. While I’m happy for them, I found myself wishing that it could have been that easy for us.
But how easily I forget that that wasn’t God’s plan. . .
There are times now that I wish I had a t-shirt that I could wear when I take S out with me. “I’m not really fertile – ask me about my journey to motherhood!” After years of averting my eyes at the sight of a pregnant belly, I’m well aware that now I’m quite possibly a visible reminder to others that they don’t have the miracle that they’re still waiting for. And really, that’s one of the reasons that I’m hesitant to blog much about this pregnancy – for fear of hurting those precious women who are still waiting for their babies.
In spite of that though, it constantly amazes me to watch as God’s plan unfolds. Only He knows what’s next, but it sure has been amazing to watch in the process!